PLANNING AHEAD: Caregivers are heroes and they need self

In my practice as an elder law attorney, I frequently see caregiver clients stressed to the limit attempting to hold themselves to standards that might be almost unattainable even under the best of conditions.

They often hold full-time jobs or even more than one job while trying to raise their children while also caring for their parents to the best of their ability. Parents of severely disabled children search for programs that can assist their children to live more normal satisfying lives. Adult children of seriously impaired parents race to their parents’ home after work to make certain they are all right.

In some cases children and parents decide together it would make more sense to share a home. In others, parents decide to move to a senior community with the desire for an independent life but with safeguards. It can be extremely difficult to find caregivers who might come into the home to help and even then, either the hours when a caregiver would be available or the cost can affect decisions. All of this is even without mentioning the difficulties experienced by long-time spouses in caring for their husband or wife at home or dealing with the trauma of moving.

The point of all this is to recognize first we have true heroes in our midst who serve usually without recognition but also that anyone in this position needs — to use an expression — to "cut herself, or himself, a break." Self-care matters.

Often people blame themselves for not being able to do it all. It is not possible to do everything all the time without it affecting yourself. I can testify to this since I have seen caregivers who look more tired than the people they are caring for. So here are some ideas. If you have heard them before it might be well to re-emphasize.

The Airplane Facemask Analogy. The facemask analogy is so frequently used in so many contexts that it is easy to fail to pay attention. It goes like this. Anyone who has taken a flight has heard the saying, "in the event of a sudden drop in pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from above. Secure your own mask first before assisting others." It means if you do not recognize the danger to yourself and take care of yourself you will not be available to help others. I even saw a review of this idea that said this does not go far enough. See https://www.kellydonahuephd.com/blog-1/2019/3/2/why-put-your-oxygen-mask-on-first-is-not-the-best-metaphor-for-self-care-and-what-to-do-instead. The point is that, basically waiting until you have reached the point of emergency is waiting too long. Self-care on a regular basis built into your crazy life schedule can help to reenergize you to deal with the difficult times. The article, by the way, gives several examples of easy to access ways to practice self-care.

The Dale Carnegie Method. Those who have heard of the writings of Dale Carnegie (and this goes back some time since he died in 1955) might be aware of his famous book, "How To Make Friends and Influence People." He wrote several others, one relevant to this topic called "How To Stop Worrying and Start Living." Worry has much to do with the stress that caregivers experience. Briefly summarized, the book has a few easy themes to remember. One of them is to "live in day-tight compartments," an earlier expression of living in "the now." Focusing on one day can make it easier to forget about some of the stresses of the day before but, importantly, can steer you from worry about what might happen in the next, or the week or beyond.

Another strategy is a thought process. First, consider what the worst that can happen is. Next, prepare for that if it should be needed. Then consider the likelihood that it will happen and think of ways it would not. Finally come to resolution (I call it "peace") with it all. In resolving these issues not all of which need to be earth shattering, I have often found first, even if the worst possibility seems terrifying, it is unlikely to happen. Even if it did happen, there are other alternatives to deal with it. Finally, resolution or peace can be found in different ways by different people in different cultures and faiths but it is all a form of self-care.

Janet Colliton is a Certified Elder Law Attorney by the National Elder Law Foundation and a member of the Pennsylvania Association of Elder Law Attorneys. She limits her practice to elder law, life care, special needs and retirement planning, Medicaid, estate planning and estate administration and guardianships and is located at 790 East Market St., Ste. 250, West Chester, 610-436-6674, [email protected]. She is also, with Jeffrey Jones, CSA, co-founder of Life Transition Services LLC, a service for families with long term care needs.

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